Tuesday, November 30, 2010

In Which I Blame Royal Wedding for All of My Issues

Well, okay. I'll admit it. I've set the bar unreasonably positive. I am an optimist, but there is a limit to the muscles in my cheeks that pull a smile. I started this blog with all intentions of happiness, but I don't love happiness. I love the bittersweet. So, expect that instead. Also, it is impossible not to journal a bit.

That said, I've been ignoring you- intentionally. Because, lately there has been one thought in mind. And I'm embarrassed by it, so I think maybe I need to broadcast it and get it out of my system: 

I am horrified that I am never going to get married.

Isn't that ridiculous?! I am a wonderful, thoughtful, beautiful, smart, talented, strong woman. I know all this already- even though verbal reinforcements never hurt- and yet I'm convinced that I will die alone and without children.

What is this about? When I was 17, I distinctly remember HOPING that I would wait until I was at least 30 before I got hitched. And now, I fall asleep after crying (I'm not even exaggerating) to the heartfelt summations and wedding day pictures at the end of a TV show dedicated to the search for the perfect bridal gown. I've been obsessed with engagement rings. And my darn computer betrays me by telling the internet my online habits and fills every page with adds for wedding paraphernalia just perfect for that wedding day that my heart is scared will never come and my mind is ashamed to obsess over.

I've always been a girl who knew she would get married. I wasn't a prissy girl, I liked making mud potions and I looked more like a Hanson brother then an Olsen Sister. But my Barbie had elaborate weddings and my favorite movies were those scratchy old musicals where Fred Astaire danced his way into a heart and down the aisle. I was engaged, essentially, when I was in college to a boy who ended up becoming unavailable due to his draw towards priesthood. Since then, I have scared away boys one-by-one with my desire for wedlock. (Not that there have been so many.)

Here's what I've decided. I blame the movies. Like I said, I grew up on musicals, all of which end in matrimony or at least a kiss (and everyone knows that once you kiss in a musical it's only minutes until a wedding). So, from this I am corrupted to believe in an ideal man that is not only open with his emotions enough to sing and dance his love, but also straight. And I get a month long timeline from first-glance to ring-on-my-finger. On the other hand, I watch When Harry Met Sally once a month. And this movie tells me that it may take 10 years for my love to develop, which dooms any male friendship. Because, some part of me actually believes that, as long as he remains single, the boy I dated in middle school and I are meant to be. How healthy is that?

Thing is, those are the movies I most want to watch. It's not entirely clear to me WHY I want to surround myself with idyllic and irrational stories of love. I know that I am suspending my disbelief in order to enjoy watching them. I know it's not real life, but I still want to believe it can happen to me. And maybe even happen to me a little bit like how it did to Sleeping Beauty. Seems to me that I'm in one of those movies already and I just haven't come to the climactic point yet. Still, I'm only five weddings into the plot line of 27 Dresses.

So there it is. I don't have a witty conclusion for this one yet. Only that I'm obsessed with my loneliness as much as I am the idea of marriage. I guess I know- even as I google "vintage engagement ring"- that my intense desire for this is the biggest hurdle I've got to jump in my search for that love I believe I'll find at the end of this race.


  1. Ahh Sarah. Whenever I get in the mood for romantic torture I always watch the A&E Pride and Prejudice. Five hours of sweet sweet torture and then all you get at the end is a lousy kiss!

    But there is something that feels weirdly good about making your own heart ache.

  2. *smooches* i've watched two brothers seamlessly (it seemed to me, untrue i know) find the loves of their lives, and i've never brought anyone home for the holidays.

    darling, it will happen, and when it does we will sit and laugh at our silliness. and then maybe lust over the old days pre- "till death do us part"

  3. I'm with you on all of this. I'm watching When Harry Met Sally right this moment.

  4. As always, men chase, women choose. Have fun! Lifes too short to worry about who we will spend the rest of our life with. There are SO many amazing people (men and women) out there to meet and experience amazing moments with. Love, and companionship, comes in many forms. :)
    Time is all a state of mind.
    Buy yourself that vintage ring girl!

  5. Sarah we don't have much in common. But I am too really frightened of dying alone and never getting married and experiencing true love. You are not alone in this. I'm sure some guy will come and sweep you off of your feet. I will lose much respect for men(I really don't have that much) if it doesn't happen. You are a great catch.

  6. Good call on When Harry Met Sally it's one of my favourites too!

  7. Not gonna lie, marriage and children isn't all it's cracked up to be either. Definitely NOT what you see in movies. Life is always a struggle, whether you're struggling alone or with (sometimes against) someone. I say enjoy what you can, and get through the rest.

  8. I get this. I know I just got married, so I can't commiserate like one in the same boat, but just a bit more than a year ago I didn't see any prospects on the horizon. I made mud pies and played cowboys and indians my whole childhood too.. but also just always knew I really wanted to be a mom and a wife. And I found a pretty great guy who wanted to be a husband and a dad.
    Often I think that the desires of our hearts (especially really beautiful ones like love and art and babies) are not something we just made up. I think God has a part in putting those there. And he wouldn't put them there if he didn't mean for them to be fulfilled.
    I could be wrong... but I like to think I'm right :)


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